I have never been a writer

A long time ago, in a land, personality, and seemingly lifetime away, I had a blog. It was a silly little thing that I never did much with. I'd write silly little stories or update no one in particular on my life and aspirations. Looking back on it, I wish I never stopped. In today's internet based world, there is so much that is offered, experienced, and forgotten. If I had taken the time to write down more of my thoughts, maybe I wouldn't have the awful memory I do, or maybe I could have made something worthwhile out of it. 
I have never been a writer, despite all the short stories, novels, scripts, lyrics, poems, and English Literature teachers that would tell you otherwise. Growing up I had a love for reading and writing. It all came so easily to me, like breathing or blinking. Hand me a blank piece of paper or an empty word document and within minutes it will be filled with the nonsense that pours from my brain. I never particularly thought it was any good. Why would my rambling appeal to anyone? I'm not anything special. But like I said, my English teachers would protest otherwise. My mind is a constant flow of words that I need to put on paper as soon as I think of them, in fear of losing them forever. Once I start, I can't stop writing until the metaphorical water jug in my mind is drained dry, leaving very well hydrated metaphorical flowers on the once blank page in front of me.
In school I would always hate everything I wrote. I didn't think it was a high enough standard to turn in or be read by other living beings. The thing that surprised me, every single time, was that I always, without a fail, got the highest grade possible. It didn't matter what I was writing about or how much of the "facts" were made up or rephrased in fifty different ways. The power of my words always somehow managed to trigger something in the teacher grading it to give me a 100% grade. Of course there were a few papers that weren't quite 100%, I mean I am only human, but the majority were unbelievably successful. 
That got me thinking about this so called "talent" I have that I never fully believed in. Teachers would pull me aside and ask to use my work as a model for other students or ask how I became such a brilliant writer. Brilliant writer. I hate that description. It makes me sound like the kind of person that can manipulate someone into believing what I say or have them do anything I please, and that is just not the case. I don't see myself as a brilliant writer. I don't even see myself as a good writer. I see myself as a wannabe writer who somehow managed to fool everyone into a cloak of brilliance. 
I'm not shy, but I am also not very outspoken. Sure, I have opinions like everyone else, but I never voice them. I'm always the quiet girl in the corner of the room that does what she is suppose to with no complaint. So where did this "brilliant writer" status come from? Maybe it is an internal need to have my opinions heard in the most ironic way possible. The girl that doesn't speak, but will chat your ear off in a letter. Maybe its the structure or thoughtfulness of it. When you speak you can't take anything back. It is permanent with little thought processes behind it. Writing thoughts, however, allows you to take the extra time (though I generally just ramble anyway). It allows you to expand on your ideas without interruption or instant judgement. It leaves room for error and a chance to go back and elaborate on previously mentioned points. 
Brilliance was never something I strove for. I still don't believe I am a "brilliant writer" in the most obvious form of the phrase. I am an okay writer, better than average, if I have to say it, but still just okay. I feel like I was molded that way. I went to an excellent school and had excellent teachers who taught us excellent lessons about excellent topics. So does that mean they produced all excellent students? No. But that did get me thinking, do I owe my writing success to them? Did they unknowingly mold me into the "writer" I am today? Probably not. Did the books I read as a child and growing up turn me into the "writer" I am? Once again, probably not. And I will probably never know how I got to this point.
But what I do know, is that some people are better writers than others. If I learned anything in my first year of university, it would be that. I had an English professor who had us write nearly 25 essays in one semester. Every essay was read by my class mates, and I read most of theirs as well. The more I read, the less confident I was in myself as a writer. Not because I thought I was bad; quite the opposite actually. I lost my confidence in the fact that I thought I was just an okay writer. The norm I knew from schooling back home turned out to be beyond average, to the point of pure excellence. So when I came to university, with different people who experienced different writing backgrounds, I found out that I was in a select group, those of the "brilliant writers". 
I still don't see myself as a "brilliant writer", and I probably never will. To me, writing is a jumble of words I throw together to get my point across. It just happens that, I guess, I am better at it than most. I don't pride myself in my writing abilities, though I don't discourage them either. I love writing. If I didn't, you wouldn't have this to read right now. Yes, I have written countless stories and novels, but none I will ever share. Even if the whole world deemed me as a "brilliant writer" I still wouldn't believe it. I have never been a writer, and even if in ten years time I some how, miraculously, managed to acquire a slot on the best seller's list, I won't call myself a writer. I just let my mind wander and type what comes to it. Nothing special, but still meaningful.

Much love, 
Elly


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